Validation

Tyrese Gibson wrote “validation is a man’s silent killer”. He goes on to inform us it is why so many men are in jail or dead. Because their behavior is encouraged by what someone else says is cool or manly. Well, I read that and I thought I can see that. If you could get an honest answer from most men who have done something they may now regret they will probably say “if I didn’t do it then I would have been a punk or worse.

I will say that validation is a human beings silent killer. It does not matter who or what you are. Too many of us need validation to live. Ok so here is a chance to check yourself. There are two type of people in the world. There are the people that before they do something you think about it, depending on what it is you weigh the pros and cons, then you do it or you don’t. You came to that conclusion on your own. Then you find out the outcome of your actions. Good or bad you accept it no need to get approval from anyone. Then there are some who need to seriously ask someone else before they make a decision. Then they have to know that it is a good decision before they do it. Then no matter the results they need to know from someone else that they approve or not. Which one are you?

So let’s think about the word validation for a minute. Where in your life can you think of an instance or instances that you needed to prove something to someone other than yourself? Think about it, most of us have at some point wanted someone else’s approval on something so bad because then they would accept you for who you are and you could prove to them that who you are is not so bad.

For a very long time I needed that validation. One of the areas in my life that stand out for me when I think about validation and the stress it caused me is my previous  relationships.

I have asked myself many times why did I stay knowing the relationship was not good for me. Why did I feel the need to take all of the things I know I couldn’t accept in order to stay in a relationship?

Well because I checked myself, one of my realizations were that I needed validation from the world but mainly my family and friends. I needed to prove to the world that a woman loving a woman is not a bad thing. It is not just about intimacy, we can be in long term,  fulfilling relationships and be happy.  I needed my family to be OK with who I am and who I loved.

I needed to show them that it was OK because look at me, I am happy and we have been together for a long time and being in love with the same sex is not so bad.

I assume that maybe I felt the need to prove this to people and know that they were OK with it so I could be OK with it.

I was lost thinking that I needed that validation so I could be happy and that some how this would make my life better. Instead this type of thinking caused me to pursue a certain type of person, accept a whole lot more than I should and have more gray hair than I should right now.
Pursuing validation from the outside world could literally cause you so much harmful stress on the inside.

I was so unhappy trying to validate me through someone else’s lenses. Now I am able to validate me and that is all that matters. I accept who I am and love who I am becoming.

Some where along the way we have become a society of approval seekers. Not from ourselves but from the outside and what good is that? Look within yourself figure out who you are and your purpose. Follow the path that guides you to your destiny. Life becomes so much easier, your choices and decisions are based on where you need to go, not where someone else feels you need to be. 

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Check Yourself!

How often do you check yourself?

When things don’t go the way we hoped we tend to blame everyone else. Even though there may be blame to be placed elsewhere how often do you check yourself to see what you could have done differently?

My first adult relationship was a really tough one. I mean not only was I young I was also not capable of understanding that you can love someone but not give yourself away over and over again to someone who does not give you the same energy back. I stayed because I thought love was supposed to be tough but I never asked myself, “until when”?

You are probably asking what does this have to do with me checking myself? Well if I had understood then what I know now I would have known to ask myself the right questions. For example, when someone has done the same hurtful things to you over and over ask yourself am I being fair to myself? Is this showing love to myself or am I hurting myself even more then they are? Knowing what hurts you yet allowing yourself to stay in that relationship.
Is that fair to you?
How much can you give someone that does not replace all the energy you are giving them? When your finally done with the relationship you have nothing but negative things to say about the other person but in reality this is a really good moment to check yourself.

As you reflect on the pain you have been through you should ask yourself why did I give them the power to take all of me and give nothing back? Why do I do that in all of my relationships? Don’t let yourself off the hook by saying I am a nice person and people always take that for granted, or I give all of me and I am never appreciated.

Try asking these question did I give too fast? Did I give too much of me too fast? Did I see signs that I ignored because I just wanted to be in a relationship? Try asking questions like that and answering honestly. Check yourself!

Understand that when you answer the secret is to not do the same thing in the next relationship but to check yourself. It will be a challenge. You have to know it is not easy to take a good look at yourself and criticize your own behavior but if your goal is to not continuously go through life having to always bounce back then start checking yourself at work, at home, with friends, lovers and in your everyday actions.

You shouldn’t ask someone else to be honest with you if you don’t do it to yourself. Check yourself not to beat up on yourself but to build yourself up to a place where you understand that you don’t deserve to be hurt and unhappy but you do deserve the exact opposite.

Give yourself permission to love you as you are but set standards and continuously check yourself to be sure that you are living up to them as well as someone you may allow into your life.

Enjoy the growth that comes with this practice!